My Quarter Life Crisis

Though a verbal processor I am coming to appreciate this little blog more and more. It is a haven for me to write the whirlwind that is my thoughts and some how feel heard, although the only one reading this thing is my mother. It may even be a bit narcissistic to have a blog, where all I really do is talk about myself assuming people will find it interesting, but none the less here I am.

I going through a quarter life crisis. Its like a mid-life crisis, but sooner.

How do I define a mid life/quarter life crisis? Its when you thought something was right all along, shaped your life around it and then suddenly find out that you were wrong.

For the past year....well the past three years....okay five....since I was 13 I have had one goal in mind, serve God anywhere and everywhere in the world. I didn't care where, or doing what, I just wanted to go. If you know me you know I am a rather stubborn, passionate, tenacious person. I don't prefer the word "no".

Therefore, being who I am I started to run as fast as I could towards this goal:
I went on missions trips, volunteered, got a unique college education at a missions training college, signed up, did the paper work, went to the conference, sent out the newsletters. I did it all. Ugh.

I know I am dragging my feet here
, but remember this blog is all about me, not you.

JK!

ANYWAYS.

I am suppose to heading to Holland in a week, and then to AZ for about a month and then move there in April, but you guessed it...I'm not anymore.

I quit my job and moved back home about 4-5 weeks ago to spend a bit of precious time with my family before I head around the world. About 2 weeks into my time at home, during some time with  Jesu Cristo he hit me in the face with a frying pan and asked me not to go. Not only to NOT go, but to NOT go anywhere, doing anything. with anyone until he says so.

Bummer.

So I prayed, fasted, sought council. I looked to the word trying to find some loop whole where God was wrong. But as you can imagine that did not work out so great.

SO now what?! What the Hell am I suppose to do now?

I mean the obvious answer is "find a job and wait" or at least that is what everyone is saying to do. But what job? Where? What do I want to do? What can I do?

Your brain just starts going crazy! You get insecure and questions everything in life or if you are as dramatic as I am you do.

In so now I am in limbo, wondering where to walk next, where to turn.

I have to give some credit to the Lord. I am kind of making it sound like he delivered awful news and then peaced out. That is not true.

I was singing the song by Jon foreman, really its from the Bible and he stole it to make millions, but I digress. It is based off of Psalm 23. A part of the verse/song is "he makes me rest by fields of green....even when I walk through the valley of death and dying I will not fear for you are with me".

And I was thinking how can both lines be in one context. Cant it just be first one? The fun one?

I say this because right now I feel the Lord leading me in both. That this is a season of rest. A time where he wants me to STOP running and being so focused, to just be with him. To go back to my first love, the love that fuels the desire to go.

 I also feel as though I am walking through the valley of DEATH and DYING (interest gloomy, dramatic music here). This is hard for me, I am sure so many can relate. I feel a bit disappointed and confused and TOTALLY out of the loop of what I am suppose to do now.

But I will not fear. I will not curl up in a ball and weep...alone..in the dark...

For he is with me AND he is for me. This way is better. Not because it feels good, but because its his way. I have to chose that truth, to chose peace, to chose that I am able through Christ, to overcome.

So if you are going through some crisis, I am with you and it sucks so hard, but there is peace and joy in his presence. Quiet yourself before him and let him ravish you.

Disney Movies and Chicago

I haven't posted since April 28th...oops! But let us not dwell on the past.

I recently took a trip to Turkey. Yes, it was as amazing as it sounds. And though I completely intend on telling you all the juicy details that is not what this post is about.

One my way across big blue I had a stupid long layover in Chicago, stupid long as in 15 hours! We managed to kill the time (thanks for coming along Tyler!), but there comes a time when a 15 hour layover breaks a person and you resort to terrible things in order to survive.

So I committed the crime and began watching 90's Disney movies on YouTube. Only God can judge me.

I chose a classic, because I am a classy girl. Wish Upon a Star, featuring a very young Katherine Heigl. I don't want to get to deep into the thick and complex plot line, so I will summarize. Two sisters, one is cool and one is not. They wish upon a star (duh) and switch bodies, they only can switch back when they realize they love each other, and blah blah blah.

There is a part in the movie where the older sister's super dreamy BF confesses his undying love for her, but of course everything is complicated because of the whole switched body thing and she doesn't say it back. More drama ensues, some teenage angst (#thestruggleisreal) and Mr. McHottie yells,

 "I don't love you, because true love is a reciprocated thing! You have never loved me!" 

Harsh, I know (don't worry there is a happy ending).

When I heard that I froze. I literally paused the movie and thought about that statement, "I don't love you, because true love is a reciprocated thing!" Okay, you need to cool it Mr.McHottie, because you have it all backwards.

Listen, I am 23 years YOUNG, but if its one thing I have taken away from this world is that it is usually a privileged to receive the love that you extend. I know this partially because that is why it was hard for me to give it. Out of fear that it would be rejected, used, or abused. In which I wasn't offering love, but trying to gain acceptance and approval. Trying to gain some one else's love. These are two, rather large, examples of how true love doesn't worry about whether not it will be return.

My Relationship with God:

Most people reading this blog know the basics. Lets all quote John 3:16 together. Ready, 1,2,3, "for God so loved the world"... but do we really grasp that? There are so many times when I do not realized the weight, the real gravity of God's love for me. I can be totally oblivious to His sovereign goodness.

I have told this story a million times, and I will tell it a million more to make a point. When I was living overseas I turned into someone I didn't know I could be. I willfully withheld my love from those around me. It was awful. When I finally came to my senses and repented I cried out to God for forgiveness and sanctification. I wanted Him to "fix" the problem, my insecurity and pride, and to be able extend love with out condition, but rather than fixing me, He wanted to show me. He said to me (very dramatically might I add) the He loved me just as much in that moment of total gross, nasty, ugly depravity as He did when I first called Him my Savior, just as much as when I was Ms.Perfect in College, and that He would continue to love me until the end of time, whether I changed or not. What the Heck!

Listen, I was reared in a conservative Christian church. I know the rules. I know how it works, you do good you are good, you do bad you are bad. So, who the Hell did God think He was doing telling me that He loved me when I was choosing to NOT love others (ultimately not loving Him, 1 John 4:7-8)? Oh wait, He is God, He can do that kind of stuff. He saw that my heart was tender towards His rebuke. He knew I was ready to grow.

Look, I don't know how that messes with your theology, but the point is that God chose to love us WAY before it was "Reciprocated".

My Relationship with People:

To further drive His point home while I was living overseas He gave my team, the same ones I was NOT loving, this amazing capacity to love me and extend grace in a very challenging time. I experienced genuine and true unconditional love. It wasn't the first time, but it was the first time it clicked. Like a light bulb I realized all the people through out my life who have sacrificially loved me and not because I loved them back, but because they had a real revelation of what love is.

My Gran is another amazing example of a woman that I have seen discipline herself for the sake of loving others. She has always seen me as God does. She has always believed in me or at least she is a great actor if she hasn't.

Of course we all can share stories of how we have been touch and moved by the love of others when we didn't deserve. Or times when we gave love and it was reciprocated and that is great!

My hope is that I really have learned from example. That I spread love radically and blindly. That I give it with out condition or circumstance. It sounds reckless,  I'll let you know if it back fires. In the mean time I strongly suggest that you try it. That you take time to ponder, meditate, pray, whatever you want to call it, on what love with absolutely NO conditions looks like, what does it feel like? Who are you not showing that kind of love to, and vise versus? How does it change your day? Your life? Or more importantly the days and the lives of others. I suggest after you think about those things to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 out loud, pausing and thinking of how practical it is.

What is love? You might start by reading this stuff, John 15:13, 1 John 4:7-21, Mark 12:30-31, Luke 6:35, Ephesians 4:2.

A Year in Pictures

It will be one year on Friday since I have graduated college. It seems weird. 

Transition has come again. 

More goodbyes.

Another move.

And a little closer to the dream. 

Time is a funny thing, but rather than babbling on about the weirdness of the I universe, reflecting over the past year, I thought I would just share pictures. 

People like those better anyway. 

Getting back from internship means being invited over all the time to catch up with old friends. AKA playing with puppies and eating yummy food!

Making new friends that are now old friends :)

Senior Retreat. Our last days together.

Fourth of July!

Reunited and it feels so good. 

My Wildflowers

Thanksgiving in Canada with this Gem.

So lucky to finish out the year with these wonderful people, my fellow SLAs.

Because Faith said so

I was first called to missions when I was 14 years old. There was an alter call and I was a hormonal teenage girl and I felt the call. In tears me and my closet girlfriends went up hand in hand laying our lives down for the Lord. It was a wonderful experience that helped shape my life, but I remember when I really felt the weight of my "Call" or whatever the Hell you want to call it. I was a freshman in college and during a chapel some guy, like all the other guys, was talking about taking the gospel to the least reached, the most dangerous, hardest places in the world. I was just sitting there going through the motions, ooing and awwing at the amazing stories. But the Lord called my spirit to attention and like a cannon ball to the stomach I realized, HOLY CRAP THIS IS IT! This was the call, this was my call. There wasn't another option. 

Naturally I called my parents and told them, "Mom. Dad. We need to talk. We set up a time, they probably thought I was pregnant or something. To their great relief I explained in the most dramatic way that I was called to missions. With tears in my eyes I went on and on about when I go they may never hear from me again, and that I might die. And to my dismiss their response was a meager, all knowing "We know". I was kind of hoping for a grand emotional bonding experience and so I re-explained with even greater zeal the intensity of future. And they just said the same thing.

My mom said that she knew from the time that I was conceived the Lord was going to take me to the ends of the earth for the sake of the gospel. And I was all like, "Thanks for telling me that NOW Mom!" But God's timing is good, and she knew it was better for me to hear it from Him.

Since then I have come off that emotional high, not to say that I am still not called or that I am not called to that life, I just mean the glamour that the American church can put on missions has worn off a bit and reality has set in.

I like reality, its more realistic.

This ridiculously long intro was all to say that I am going people. And over the course of many months I will probably tell you all about. I will share my heart, babble on and on, and then expect you to join me. I am not going to "should" on you or anything, but for some reason God has given us ALL the responsibility to reach the nations. We all play a part. Mine is to go, my parents - to give birth to me and raise me right, and yours might be to send. So get ready to have your heart strings pulled on, because the heart of God is no joke.

Boys, Worst Case Scenarios, and Hope

This past fall I signed up to be a Student Life Adviser at the college I graduated from last spring. An SLA is kind of like if an RA and a Mentor had a baby, that baby would be me. I have seven AMAZING women of God that I share life with and (hopefully) help draw nearer to the Lord. I meet with all my girls weekly and I am sure as you can imagine, being a single blooming young lady, a common topic that comes up is...boys.

If you know me at all, the thought of me  "coaching" girls in and out of their different relationships with guys is laughable. I am what you call....EXTREMELY un-experienced. I have never dated, never been pursued, and in my whole life had about 1 "crush" (and that didn't go so hot). Boys just aren't my thing, I am wonderfully single.

That being said, God doesn't entirely care about our credentials, but about our willingness to give it a shot. So I started with listening, feeling with them the emotion that comes with being young and liking someone. Trying to "Guard your heart", but test the waters - oh but wait, don't pursue him, he has got to pursue you. ITS HARD, and weird and complicated. And most of the time all I could offer them is I'm sorry.

But then one day it hit, Hope.

A girl was sharing her heart with me about a particular situation, the vulnerability of her not knowing if her special someone shared feelings was really upsetting her. And so I finally asked her, "Veronica, what is the worst case scenario?"

Huh?

What is the WORST that could happen?

Well of course she is thinking that Bob is really in love with Sue.

Okay, lets go from there. Lets say Bob loves Sue. He publicly shames you in front of everyone and all you want to do it die, then what? You will probably want to cry, and then you be hurt for a while and rightly so. And we will all be there for you.

But then, because you have the Holy Spirit inside of you you will take all your burdens to the Lord and ask Him to comfort you and He will. T
hen He will ask you to repent of any wrong thoughts you had towards Bob and Sue and you will because you love the Lord above all else. Then that forgiveness will set you free and time will pass and it will be okay.

This is what separates us from the rest of the world. We have hope. We have a heavenly Father who is just waiting to restore us at every turn so that we don't miss a beat and continue right on.

Over the summer I heard of a family serving in Turkey. The husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given less than a year to live. This family had been in their area for years, radical believers who would drive to the Iran, Iraq and Syrian border to try to reach those in remote villages. Awesome stuff.

The Stewart Family serving in Turkey

But when he was diagnosed they decided that he was not going to seek treatment, but rather he was going to die with Joy, because of the hope he had through the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, knowing that when he breathed his last breath he would be joined eternally with his maker.

If you know anything about Islam you know that death is on of the most feared things. People are terrified of Judgement day. I have heard some Muslims say that snakes come a torment your physical body after you have died, the stories are just horrific. And because Allah is all powerful, they have NO assurance that no matter how strong their faith they will be welcomed into paradise.

The family shared with their Turkish friends and family of what  was happening and why they were choosing to stay, they shared their hope and joy.

This family realized that their worst case scenario ended with hope. Hope that the Lord was never going to leave or forsake this man's widowed wife (who return to Turkey after his death to continue to serve there by the way), that Christ would be glorified, and that people may come to know Jesus because of this testimony.

What I am getting at is this, this thought process of breaking down the worst case scenario and seeing the goodness of God in the midst of it is not just for boy problems, or terminal illnesses. It is for our everyday life. That is why Jesus gave us the Holy Spirit, so that He could go with us through every moment and every circumstance. We can say with great joy I have conquered all fear, all powers of darkness, and my hope is in the Lord who will renew my strength no matter what.

Next time we are in the bog of the world and we feel overwhelmed and unsure, lets ask ourselves, what is the worst case scenario?

Words of Life

Recently a specific theme has been appearing in my quite time, current circumstances, and different teachings. That being speaking Words of Life, calling out the good and great in people no matter your personal preference or situation. To be frank this is something that I am not particularly good at. I don't always choose to steer the conversation away from how Veronica is a terrible person because she likes to eat peas, and sometimes (okay, most of the time) I can be the one who brings up Veronica. That is a silly example, but I amaze myself at the petty things people (I) get their panties in a wad over. It is an ugly weakness I see in myself, something I feel conviction about and sincerely seek the Lord deliverance for. And in His goodness He is.

So I thought I would share the accumulation of some of the thoughts and teaching Jesus has been rooting in my heart.

Last week at church we had this AMAZING guest speaker come and speak. I can not remember his name for the life of me, but he is from the Philippines and I am convinced that is why he was so wonderful. Any who he spoke about Sonship and our identity in Christ. Something he said that just punched me right in the face was a long these lines, When we begin to agree with the lies of the enemy about ourselves or those we know we are no longer aligning ourselves with the Kingdom of Life, found eternally only through Jesus Christ, but with the kingdom of death, which is ruled by the devil (Hebrews 2:14). And when we submit ourselves to the Kingdom of Satan we are no longer living out our Sonship to the Father, therefore losing our authority over sin and death. (Hebrews 2:14)

Dang.

That really hit me hard; when I choose death over myself or others I am no longer walking in the authority over sin and death that I have in Jesus. And I wonder why I begin to struggle in others of my life. Ridiculous.

I recently began reading through Hebrews and the theme continued. In Hebrews 3:13 Paul says, "But exhort one another every day as long as it is called today that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." In context Paul is talking about when the Israelites were lead of of Egypt and then into the wilderness and God vowed that that generation would never enter into "rest" or the promise land. What led to that consequence? Well if you look back the Israelites were complaining like no other.  They were speaking negatively about their circumstances, God, their leader Moses, the whole nine yards. They were a hot mess and aftermath ensued.

The same principles applies to us today. When we speak negatively about people we lose sight of all God has done, who He is and His promises; we disqualify ourselves from the richness of living life with and through Jesus (Hebrews 4:1).

But rather when we choose to exhort one another, to truly see each other as being created in his image and from that truth encourage each other to become a fuller picture of Christ we then stay away from the deceitfulness of sin (3:13). Remember, just as we have authority to speak death over each other, we have an even greater authority to speak LIFE over one another. Some of the most influential people in my life impacted me because they chose to see me with a heavenly perspective, they called out and developed strengths God had hidden my heart. There is fruit in looking past the yuckiness and calling out the truth and goodness in people.

So I exhort you friends and family to watch what you say. Next time you want to "vent" ask yourself, will I be aligning myself with the Kingdom of death and not walking as a Daughter or Son of God.. Speak love and light over you, your family, your friends, and your enemies.

Stuff I don't know

I started a new blog...I needed something new and fresh. That isn't really what this post is about, but I am in one of those moods where I feel the need to share everything on my mind, whether their are people who want to listen or not. 

There is both negatives and positives to knowing what kind of "season" you are in. Season, that is such a Christianese word, a language I am quite fluent in, but find generally obnoxious and confusing. However, the word season really kind of does the trick when explaining different journeys the Lord leads us on.

There are beautiful blooming seasons, like June...I love June...Flowery, sweet smelling, mild. Wonderful really. I think that is why I was born in June. Spiritual seasons like that are so wonderful.

But then there is like....January. Now, growing up in the south January is not much different than June. But here in Minnesota January is no joke. This is getting confusing...

The point that I am trying to make is that I am in a season. A season where I am finding out in a new and fun way (*eye roll) that I don't know God like I want to. Do you guys know what I mean when I say that it is in my head, but not in my heart. Like I can say it, but if someone held a gun to my head I would probably live. Extreme I know, but see current mood mentioned above. 

And you know what is really the cake topper, this thing I don't "know" about God is so stupid. I mean it is like basic 101 of loving and being loved by God.

Are you ready...

I don't think God likes giving me good things. For Pete sake I sing songs, share testimonies, and read about how much I KNOW that God loves me. But when it comes down to crunch time and I secretly pray for the things I want (gasp!) I have the hardest time doing it AND believing that He would give it to me.

I find it easy to pray: God take away my comfort so I can know you better, or God, give what's her face that thing she wants, she deserves it. But me, no way. And its not like I don't think I deserve...I don't know what it is. I blame my parents (just kidding Mom, I love you). 

So anyway, I am figuring it out. Well, maybe I should say the Holy Spirit is teaching me...gosh he is patient. 

I am not sure I have any incredible words to leave you with, but that if you feel this way some times we are totally kindred spirits and we should talk, AND their is hope. Oh man, do I know it, do I feel it when I start to get a little overwhelmed. 

Blessings