Stuff I don't know

I started a new blog...I needed something new and fresh. That isn't really what this post is about, but I am in one of those moods where I feel the need to share everything on my mind, whether their are people who want to listen or not. 

There is both negatives and positives to knowing what kind of "season" you are in. Season, that is such a Christianese word, a language I am quite fluent in, but find generally obnoxious and confusing. However, the word season really kind of does the trick when explaining different journeys the Lord leads us on.

There are beautiful blooming seasons, like June...I love June...Flowery, sweet smelling, mild. Wonderful really. I think that is why I was born in June. Spiritual seasons like that are so wonderful.

But then there is like....January. Now, growing up in the south January is not much different than June. But here in Minnesota January is no joke. This is getting confusing...

The point that I am trying to make is that I am in a season. A season where I am finding out in a new and fun way (*eye roll) that I don't know God like I want to. Do you guys know what I mean when I say that it is in my head, but not in my heart. Like I can say it, but if someone held a gun to my head I would probably live. Extreme I know, but see current mood mentioned above. 

And you know what is really the cake topper, this thing I don't "know" about God is so stupid. I mean it is like basic 101 of loving and being loved by God.

Are you ready...

I don't think God likes giving me good things. For Pete sake I sing songs, share testimonies, and read about how much I KNOW that God loves me. But when it comes down to crunch time and I secretly pray for the things I want (gasp!) I have the hardest time doing it AND believing that He would give it to me.

I find it easy to pray: God take away my comfort so I can know you better, or God, give what's her face that thing she wants, she deserves it. But me, no way. And its not like I don't think I deserve...I don't know what it is. I blame my parents (just kidding Mom, I love you). 

So anyway, I am figuring it out. Well, maybe I should say the Holy Spirit is teaching me...gosh he is patient. 

I am not sure I have any incredible words to leave you with, but that if you feel this way some times we are totally kindred spirits and we should talk, AND their is hope. Oh man, do I know it, do I feel it when I start to get a little overwhelmed. 

Blessings