My Quarter Life Crisis

Though a verbal processor I am coming to appreciate this little blog more and more. It is a haven for me to write the whirlwind that is my thoughts and some how feel heard, although the only one reading this thing is my mother. It may even be a bit narcissistic to have a blog, where all I really do is talk about myself assuming people will find it interesting, but none the less here I am.

I going through a quarter life crisis. Its like a mid-life crisis, but sooner.

How do I define a mid life/quarter life crisis? Its when you thought something was right all along, shaped your life around it and then suddenly find out that you were wrong.

For the past year....well the past three years....okay five....since I was 13 I have had one goal in mind, serve God anywhere and everywhere in the world. I didn't care where, or doing what, I just wanted to go. If you know me you know I am a rather stubborn, passionate, tenacious person. I don't prefer the word "no".

Therefore, being who I am I started to run as fast as I could towards this goal:
I went on missions trips, volunteered, got a unique college education at a missions training college, signed up, did the paper work, went to the conference, sent out the newsletters. I did it all. Ugh.

I know I am dragging my feet here
, but remember this blog is all about me, not you.

JK!

ANYWAYS.

I am suppose to heading to Holland in a week, and then to AZ for about a month and then move there in April, but you guessed it...I'm not anymore.

I quit my job and moved back home about 4-5 weeks ago to spend a bit of precious time with my family before I head around the world. About 2 weeks into my time at home, during some time with  Jesu Cristo he hit me in the face with a frying pan and asked me not to go. Not only to NOT go, but to NOT go anywhere, doing anything. with anyone until he says so.

Bummer.

So I prayed, fasted, sought council. I looked to the word trying to find some loop whole where God was wrong. But as you can imagine that did not work out so great.

SO now what?! What the Hell am I suppose to do now?

I mean the obvious answer is "find a job and wait" or at least that is what everyone is saying to do. But what job? Where? What do I want to do? What can I do?

Your brain just starts going crazy! You get insecure and questions everything in life or if you are as dramatic as I am you do.

In so now I am in limbo, wondering where to walk next, where to turn.

I have to give some credit to the Lord. I am kind of making it sound like he delivered awful news and then peaced out. That is not true.

I was singing the song by Jon foreman, really its from the Bible and he stole it to make millions, but I digress. It is based off of Psalm 23. A part of the verse/song is "he makes me rest by fields of green....even when I walk through the valley of death and dying I will not fear for you are with me".

And I was thinking how can both lines be in one context. Cant it just be first one? The fun one?

I say this because right now I feel the Lord leading me in both. That this is a season of rest. A time where he wants me to STOP running and being so focused, to just be with him. To go back to my first love, the love that fuels the desire to go.

 I also feel as though I am walking through the valley of DEATH and DYING (interest gloomy, dramatic music here). This is hard for me, I am sure so many can relate. I feel a bit disappointed and confused and TOTALLY out of the loop of what I am suppose to do now.

But I will not fear. I will not curl up in a ball and weep...alone..in the dark...

For he is with me AND he is for me. This way is better. Not because it feels good, but because its his way. I have to chose that truth, to chose peace, to chose that I am able through Christ, to overcome.

So if you are going through some crisis, I am with you and it sucks so hard, but there is peace and joy in his presence. Quiet yourself before him and let him ravish you.